Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize
