Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
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