I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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