The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
my liver is dry heaving
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
