Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
