Having a random hookup so left but love u
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Randomize
