In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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