If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
