OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Randomize
