I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
The struggles of a small town man whore
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize