Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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