In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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