I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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