Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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