there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Randomize
