Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
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