Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
