Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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