That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Randomize
