It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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