My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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