after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
try to milk me bitch
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