I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
