Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
