you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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