It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
