So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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