just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
