I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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