...so i touched it.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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