Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize