we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
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