I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
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