No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
