I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
