Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
