Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I have post one night stand depression
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
