Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
