Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Randomize