so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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