Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
