at some point to night u and I have a 'meeting' too...(1-737): I hope so
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
