I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Randomize
