This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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