the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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