I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Jerry, you need to find god
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
