sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
