I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
