my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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