At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Randomize
