A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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