I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
