We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
