Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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