By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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