Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
