I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
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