I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Randomize
