Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
