Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
